Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
How does a Jew deal with death? Is it right to feel pain and hurt?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
The Greatest Pleasure
Because we believe in God’s goodness and the reward awaiting us in the Next World, our view of death is different from that of the secular world. We know that the deceased is now much closer to God than anyone can be in this physical world, and thus is experiencing the greatest pleasure one can wish for.
Don’t Pull Your Hair Out
While the death of a loved one can be extraordinarily painful, we do not lose ourselves in the pain. Although the Torah permits a person to mourn and cry when a close relative leaves us, we know that the soul lives on, and is together with its close relatives in the Next World, and we will also one day reunite in the World of Souls.
We find this concept in the Torah, which warns us against mourning excessively. God commands us not to react to death like the Amorites, one of the ancient tribes that lived in the land that
became Eretz Yisrael (Israel). Their custom was to gash themselves and pull out their hair when a loved one died. God forbids us from following those customs and adds, “For you are a holy people to Hashem, your God, and Hashem has chosen you to be a treasured people for Him, out of all the nations that are upon the earth” (Devarim 14:2). What is the connection between the prohibition of excessive mourning and the fact that we are God’s chosen ones?
From One Life to Another
Ramban explains that God is telling us that death is not the end. In reminding us of our relationship with Him, the Torah teaches us that death is merely a passage from a physical life into another, closer and more spiritual relationship with Hashem. He adds that it is like the tears and emotions people often exhibit when parting from a close relative who is traveling far away. They are crying because they know that it may be a long time until they are together again. At the same time, they understand that they are not parting ways forever, so the people do not lose themselves entirely.
In the same vein, when a person leaves this world, we expect to see them again, so although crying is permissible and understandable, there is no need to overreact. Our faith in God means that we also believe in techiyas hameisim — the return to life of the dead, which will occur after Mashiach (the Messiah) comes. Therefore, we know that this separation is not forever. The great sage Rabbi Moshe Feinstein once made mention of his child who died in infancy, and added that, “He was taken to the Next World, and he will return to me at the time of techiyas hameisim.”
Solemn Yet Serene
The different reactions to tragedy can be like the difference between night and day. There was once a tragic accident in Toronto, in which two women who were crossing a street were struck by a car and killed. One of the women was the beloved wife of the rabbi. The other was a non-religious Jewish woman. The families were sitting shivah at the same time, and one visitor came to the rabbi’s home after visiting the non-religious home. He commented that although the atmosphere in the rabbi’s home was sad and solemn, there was a certain serenity, while in the house he had just come from people were in a state of near-hysteria. With no sense of meaning in thesecular woman’s death, the family had no way to cope.
Similarly, I once met a reform rabbi on a plane trip. He mentioned that he did not believe in the Afterlife. I then challenged him with the following question: “So what do you tell a congregant of yours who is suffering from terminal cancer? What hope or faith do you provide him with?” To my great horror he replied, “I have nothing to tell him!”
In short: If one is firm in his belief that death is merely a passage from one world to another, and the separation is temporary, there will be no reason for overreacting.
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