Ask the Rabbi with Rabbi Chaim Mintz
Is it important in Judaism to forgive those who have hurt us? And what about someone who doesn’t ask me for forgiveness, or hurt me terribly, should I forgive him?
Rabbi Chaim Mintz responds:
It is the Jewish Way to Forgive
The importance of forgiving is exemplified by many of our great ancestors. After Avimelech harmed our ancestor, Avraham, Hashem (God) punished him. He went to Avraham, and requested that he forgive him and pray for him, and Avraham immediately did so. The Mishnah (Baba Kama 92a) tells us that we learn from here that it is proper to “forgive and forget.” As the Rambam (Maimonides) writes (Teshuvah 2:10), when asked to be forgiven, it is the way of the Jewish nation to forgive others willingly and wholeheartedly, even if that person caused much pain and trouble.
Similarly, when the Jewish people accused Moshe of leading them into the Wilderness to die, in Parshat Chukat, Hashem responded by sending a plague of serpents as punishment. Upon realizing their mistake, the people approached Moshe, confessed their wrongdoing, and requested that he pray for them. Moshe immediately interceded on their behalf and prayed for them. Rashi (Bamidbar 21:7) emphasizes that Moshe’s readiness to forgive is a lesson for us not to withhold forgiveness when someone genuinely seeks it.
Going Above and Beyond to Grant Forgiveness
While the obligation to forgive only applies when there is a sincere apology, Chazal (our sages) teach that great individuals often go above and beyond, practicing a middat chassidut – trait of piety – by forgiving others even without an apology. In fact, there is a nightly prayer found in the siddur (prayer book), in which we forgive anyone who has harmed us – whether they have asked for forgiveness or not. This ensures that we don’t retire for the night without forgiving everyone.
If We Forgive, Hashem Forgives
Aside from being a tremendous benefit for the perpetrator, by being generous in our forgiveness, Hashem will extend His mercy toward us. This is based on the principle known in Judaism as middah k’negged middah – a measure for a measure. This is why, after forgiving others in the nighttime prayer, we immediately ask Hashem to forgive us, hoping He will grant us the same compassion. However, if we are stubborn and unwilling to forgive, Hashem may also be unyielding in His judgment toward us.
This is one of the themes of the poignant prayer known as Tefillat Zakah – the heart-to-heart talk we have with Hashem right before the onset of Yom Kippur. This prayer covers many aspects of repentance. In one section, we express our forgiveness for those who have wronged us, asking that no one be punished on our account. In turn, we beseech Hashem to inspire others to extend the same compassion toward us and forgive us for any harm we may have caused. What a beautiful way to start the holy day of Yom Kippur!
Forgiveness – A Challenging Yet Worthwhile Task
Forgiveness can be a challenging task, particularly if we experienced deep hurt and still feel the pain deeply. But it is important to recognize that humans are inherently flawed, and at times, fall prey to their yetzer hara (evil inclination). And we should remember that we ourselves also act terribly at times – to Hashem and others – yet we hope and pray that Hashem will show us compassion and grant us forgiveness. We, too, should emulate His example and extend the same compassion to others, and hope that Hashem will reciprocate this kindness toward us. And if we go out of our way and forgive even those who didn’t ask, Hashem will be much more ready to forgive us even if we are not worthy.
In short: When someone sincerely asks for forgiveness, we should grant it. Even if they don’t, there is a Jewish trait of piety to forgive them. In doing so, Hashem will act with more compassion to us and forgive us as well.
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