Bar vs. Bat Mitzvah: Significance and Celebrations

By Rabbi Pinchos Fried

Table of Contents

Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah

What is the significance of becoming Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah? How should these occasions be celebrated? And is there a difference between the two?
Let’s take a deep dive into these questions, and more.

What is Bar or Bat (Bas) Mitzvah?

“Bar” is an Aramaic term for son. “Bat” or Bas means daughter, in both Hebrew and Aramaic.
“Mitzvah” means commandment. Hence Bar Mitzvah would be ‘son of commandment’ and Bat Mitzvah ‘daughter of commandment’.

In other words, at this point of their lives a young man or lady becomes obligated in all of the commandments the Torah requires of each of them respectively.

Furthermore, they are now considered adults regarding most halachic matters (relating to Jewish law). For example, their financial transactions are now valid, their personal vows are binding, and they are subject to punishment by Beit Din (a Rabbinic court) for certain transgressions.

For boys, this happens at age 13, while girls precede them by a year, at age 12^[1]. (The Talmud explains that God gave women an extra measure of understanding (Binah Yeteirah), which causes this faster maturation^[2].) This age difference is another important element in understanding Bar vs. Bat Mitzvah, as it reflects the unique spiritual and intellectual capacities attributed to each gender.

Still, these young adults are only partially liable at this stage. While they can already be held accountable in matters which are adjudicated by Beit Din (a Rabbinic court), regarding matters adjudicated by the Heavenly Court both men and women are only liable at age 20^[3].

Bar vs. Bat Mitzvah: Celebration

A very old custom among Jews has been to celebrate the occasion of Bar Mitzvah. Already in post Second-Temple era, the Zohar (a work on Kabbalah attributed to the Tannaic sage Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai and his disciples) recounts that the great sage Rabbi Shimon Ben Yochai hosted a lavish affair at the Bar Mitzvah of his son Rabbi Elazar; who would later go on to become a great sage in his own right^[4]. In fact, the Magen Avraham^[5] (a classic, authoritative halachic work, written in the 1600s as a commentary of sorts on Rabbi Yosef Karo’s Shulchan Aruch, by Rabbi Avraham Abele of Kalish, Poland) recommends, based on another statement of the Zohar^[6], that a Bar Mitzvah be celebrated as greatly as a wedding!

The question of Bar vs. Bat Mitzvah arises in the context of celebration as well, as we will discuss below. While Bar Mitzvahs have been widely celebrated for centuries, Bat Mitzvah celebrations emerged much later and are still debated in some circles. This point is important in considering how different Jewish communities approach Bar vs. Bat Mitzvah milestones.

But Why Celebrate?

1. Newly Arrived Yetzer Tov

So, number one, the Bar Mitzvah boy is now endowed with a Yetzer Tov.

What is a Yetzer Tov?

According to Jewish tradition, every person has a good inclination (Yetzer Tov) and an evil inclination (Yetzer Hara). The inclination towards good is what provides us that aspiration to go high, to do the noble thing, to make the world a better place, to be a better person. It is our conscience.

The inclination toward evil is what pulls us to be selfish, indulge our desires without thought to who might get hurt or what might get damaged, to do whatever it takes to get ahead.

The perennial struggle of life is navigating the battle between these two internal forces (a.k.a. Free Will).

But Jewish tradition teaches that while the evil inclination arrives at birth^[7], the Yetzer Tov’s arrival is only at Bar Mitzvah^[8]. And so we celebrate the arrival of this crucial tool.

2. Greater Performance of Mitzvot

Another reason is that the very obligation in the mitzvot (Torah commandments) is reason to celebrate. The Talmud^[9] tells of Rabbi Yosef, a sage who became blind, who grappled with an earlier Talmudic teaching of Rabbi Yehuda regarding the halachic status of the blind. Reb Yehuda maintained that the blind are not obligated in any mitzvot of the Torah, and Reb Yosef wasn’t sure if the halachah followed his opinion.

Initially, Rabbi Yosef was hoping that halachah would follow Rabbi Yehuda. His reasoning was that since he was keeping the mitzvot anyway, surely his reward would be greater, as he would be doing it voluntarily. However, he then became aware of a teaching of Rabbi Chanina, which changed his attitude. Rabbi Chanina said that one who is obligated in a mitzvah actually has greater reward for its fulfillment than one who is not^[10]. When Rabbi Yosef heard this, he declared that if someone could affirm that a blind person is in fact obligated in mitzvot, he would make a grand celebration and invite the prominent rabbis of his time.

The Yam Shel Shlomo^[11] (a work on the Talmud by sixteenth-century Rabbi Shlomo Luria of Lublin, Poland) invokes this as a reason for celebrating a Bar Mitzvah. Here too, the young man is entering the period of obligation, and his performance of mitzvot becomes so much greater.

Only Boys?

While the custom of celebrating a Bar Mitzvah has ancient roots, Bat Mitzvahs were not celebrated in Jewish communities until relatively recently. And in fact, the source of its contemporary celebration doesn’t seem to be from Orthodox Judaism. The first Bat Mitzvah celebration in America was in 1922, made by a Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan for his daughter Judith. Though he was officially Orthodox at the time, he later switched to Conservative Judaism, and eventually founded the Reconstructionist movement^[12].

Why not Girls?

While I have not found early Torah sources that give an explicit reason for the omission of girls from this custom, attention should be paid to the historical context. For most of Jewish history, educating boys, who are the ones primarily responsible for learning and passing on the scholastic part of Judaism’s Torah tradition as well as creating the next generation of Torah leaders^[13], was itself a struggle, not something taken for granted.

Between severe poverty, poor infrastructure and travel capabilities, families could barely teach their boys Torah properly, let alone girls. To survive, the women and girls needed to focus mainly on just keeping the house running, and leave whatever spiritual pursuits the family could muster to the boys and men. So, it is certainly no surprise that a ceremony celebrating a young adult’s entry to spiritual obligation remained with the menfolk for all that time.

In fact, there is a disagreement among contemporary halachic authorities about the correct Torah approach to Bat Mitzvahs, even regarding our times.

Bar vs. Bat Mitzvah: Differing Viewpoints

1. Bat Mitzvah Celebrations not Encouraged

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein zt”l (Lived from 1895-1986. He was born in Russia, and served as a Rabbi there, then moved to New York. He was one of the most prominent rabbis of the twentieth century) discourages Bat Mitzvah celebrations, since they are not rooted in authentic Torah tradition^[14]. He doesn’t forbid it, though. Furthermore, he says that it is considered a happy occasion, just as much as a Bar Mitzvah^[15]. Others are more strict, and feel it should be forbidden^[16] (they don’t dispute the happiness of the occasion though).

2. “Almost an Absolute Obligation”

Conversely, Rabbi Yechiel Yaakov Weinberg (1884-1966. Born in Poland, he studied in the traditional yeshivas of Mir and Slabodka, then pursued a secular education. From Poland he moved to pre-WWII Berlin. After the war he settled in and became the rabbi of Montreux, Switzerland^[17]) in his Sridei Aish^[18] greatly encourages this custom, calling it “almost an absolute obligation”.

He explains that although the earlier generations did not do it, times have changed, and the world has changed. In the past, girls were educated in pure homes, and were sheltered from the negative influences of the world. Today we find ourselves immersed in a tsunami of anti-Torah attitudes and cultures, and it is crucial to give young adults, both boys and girls, a pride in their Jewish identity and heritage; therefore celebrating their entry into its obligation is paramount.

Additionally, differentiating between boys and girls in this way, in an age where women have achieved equal rights in other areas, can have damaging effects.

He does qualify that it be done for the right reasons, and in the right way. The idea should not be to promote secular ideas or culture, nor should it be a frivolous, empty affair. It should be uplifting, an opportunity to focus on and promote greater observance of the obligations of Jewish women.

3. A Mitzvah

Chacham Ovadia Yosef zt”l (1920-2013. He was born in Iraq, and immigrated to the Land of Israel. After a short stint as rabbi in Cairo, he returned to Israel. He was considered the leader of Sephardic Jewry) also encourages celebrating Bat Mitzvah, in his Yabia Omer^[19]. He calls the celebration a mitzvah.

4. Celebrate in a Private Fashion

And last but not least, Oorah’s own Rabbi Chaim Mintz discusses this issue on his “Ask the Rabbi” platform, and says that a Bat Mitzvah should certainly be celebrated, and it is just as important in God’s eyes so to speak. However, for modesty reasons, it should be done in a more reserved and private fashion^[20].

(The more intimate nature of the Bat Mitzvah celebration vs. the public manner of the Bar Mitzvah celebration also highlights the unique roles of men and women in Torah Judaism.)

Contemporary Custom

Lately, Bat Mitzvah celebration has become pretty common in the Orthodox community. Still, the manner of celebration varies by community and individual. Many Orthodox families make a more private affair, inviting only close family and select friends^[21]. (Presents are always appreciated.)
(When my own daughter reached Bat Mitzvah age, I discussed it with my rabbi, who also encouraged celebrating the occasion. He felt, like Rabbi Weinberg, that it is extremely important to give all young adults encouragement and to boost their self-value, especially in relation to their Jewishness.)

Either way, it should certainly not feed into a rat race of over-the-top excess, or influences which are the opposite of Torah. Ideally, as we quoted Rabbi Weinberg above, it should be an event with real meaning– one that will inspire the young woman to reach her full potential as a daughter of Israel, and fill her heart with confidence that she has the power to succeed at the lofty purpose for which she was created.

Bar Mitzvah Ceremony

Contemporary Orthodox Bar Mitzvahs often consist of two parts, and sometimes three. One is sometimes referred to as “the Bo Bayom”, which is the actual Hebrew date of the Bar Mitzvah boy coming of age.

This can obviously occur on any day of the week, and on that evening is the main dinner celebration. During this dinner, the Bar Mitzvah boy traditionally gives a Talmudic discourse called a pshetel, or Bar Mitzvah speech.

Often, the guests will interrupt his speech with singing . The reason for this custom is so that a boy whose Talmudic skills are not on the level at which he can deliver the discourse properly should not be embarrassed. Since everyone is singing anyway, his lacking will not be noticed.
Guests often present the boy with seforim (Torah books), money, or other gifts.

Aliyah to the Torah

The next part is the Aliyah. At the time of the Torah reading in shul, the Bar Mitzvah boy gets called up to recite the blessings on the Torah for the first time. Many (but not all) Bar Mitzvah boys read the passage for which they are called up, and some even read the whole parshah (weekly Torah portion). Many read the haftorah as well.  Others will allow the standard “Baal Korei (person who regularly reads from the Torah in the traditional tune)” to read as usual, while the boy will recite the brachot (blessings) for reading from the Torah, before and after the reading.

The father of the boy then recites a special brachah: “Baruch shepatrani me’ansho shelazeh” (Blessed is He Who absolved me from the punishment of this one [the Bar Mitzvah boy]). The idea of this blessing is that the responsibility of the young man’s behavior now shifts. As a child, it was his parents’ responsibility to ensure he was raised in the proper path. As he now embarks on adulthood, he takes over the liability for his own actions^[22].

Bar Mitzvah Lessons

As you might imagine, mastering his pshetel, learning how to read from the Torah, and how to read the haftorah (two different tunes) is quite a feat, especially for a 13-year-old. He cannot do it alone.

In addition, he must learn the relevant halachot (Torah laws) of putting on tefillin (and tallit, for those who do that now).

Sometimes the boy’s father has the knowledge and time to teach all of it himself, but in many cases he will hire a special teacher to learn and practice with the young man.

This teacher might also prepare him for the general transition into halachic adulthood, accepting the responsibility of fulfilling all the mitzvot of the Torah which now apply to him.

Shabbat Kiddush

The aliyah usually happens during the Shabbat morning prayers, though some have an aliyah during the week (and recite the blessing of “Baruch Shepatrani” then), followed by another aliyah (without that blessing) on Shabbat.

In Israel there seems to be a custom to throw candies at the Bar Mitzvah boy at the conclusion of his Aliyah^[23].

After davening (prayers), a Kiddush is served. This is like a mini party, though some put emphasis on ‘mini’, while others on ‘party’.

It begins with the recital of the Shabbat-day Kiddush, and is kind of self-serve, with platters of cake, and various other traditional treats laid out on the tables for attendees to help themselves. Ashkenazi kiddushim will feature a selection of some or all of; herring and kichel (an egg-based pastry), kugel, cholent, and even galareta (a.k.a. p’tcha). Sephardic cuisine is more like kibbe, lah’majin, meat sambusak, and meat cigars served with plenty of hummus.

Putting on Tefillin

Tefillin, or phylacteries, are those black boxes Jewish boys and men wear on their head and arm, usually during the morning prayers (Shacharit). These boxes actually have a few slips of parchment inserted in them, which contain four Torah passages that speak about key Jewish concepts, including Hashem (God)’s oneness, loving Hashem and serving him, reward and punishment, and the exodus from Egypt.

Tefillin are very holy, and the Talmud states that in a sense, Hashem’s name is symbolically manifested on the wearer’s head^[24]. (For a more detailed and in-depth discussion about tefillin, see this excellent article on Aish.com: https://aish.com/48969816/)

At or around Bar Mitzvah age, a young man begins to wear tefillin.

Why Specifically Now?

There is a crucial concept in Judaism called “chinuch”, which translates as a combination of educating, training, and beginning. Although obligation only starts at 12 years (girls) or 13 years (boys), we train children from a young age the basics of Judaism and how to properly observe Torah and mitzvot, so that by the time they ‘go live’, they will be prepared.

Now, with regard to most mitzvot, we train our children from a pretty young age; as soon as they are capable of observing that particular command. For example, once a child can talk, we train them to recite brachot, and recite basic prayers.

There are two exceptions: fasting on days like Yom Kippur and Tisha B’Av, and putting on tefillin.

With the former, the reason is obvious. Fasting can be harmful for little children.

The reason children don’t wear tefillin before Bar Mitzvah age is that tefillin require a clean body. Because of their holiness, a man wearing tefillin must be sure he is not even slightly in need of relieving himself, and passing gas while wearing tefillin is forbidden too. Since we can’t trust most children to be careful with this, they don’t wear tefillin until they are ready. Still, some communities do start their boys off a little bit before actual Bar Mitzvah. German-Jewish communities (known as Yekkes) usually start three months before, while a broader minhag (custom) is to start a month before.

The first time the boy puts on tefillin, a smaller celebration is held, typically with cookies and cake, and perhaps some schnapps (booze), though some go a bit further…

Tallit

In some communities, a Bar Mitzvah boy begins to wear a tallit. A tallit, also known as tallit gadol (large tallit) is a [four-cornered] prayer shawl with a set of strings in the corners (four strings to each corner, doubled over so they appear as eight), called tzitzit.

A tallit is mainly worn during the morning prayers known as Shacharit.

This tallit is worn in addition to a tallit katan (small tallit, often referred to simply as “tzitzit”), which is worn under the shirt or jacket etc. with just the tzitzit strings sticking out.

While boys begin wearing tzitzit at a very young age (usually at age three or thereabouts), with a tallit gadol there are differing customs regarding at what stage of life it is “put on”:
In most Ashkenazi communities men begin wearing the tallit at marriage. However, the Yekkes (German and Austrian Jewish communities) as well as Sephardic and Mizrahi Jews begin earlier. Some begin at early adolescence, while others begin at Bar Mitzvah.

Bat Mitzvah

As for Bat Mitzvah, in Orthodox communities, women or girls do not have an Aliyah^[25], or put on a tallit^[26] or tefillin^[27].

In Sephardic communities, the girl’s father does recite the blessing of Baruch Shepatrani^[28]. (However, the daughter does not need to be present.)

In general though, the manner of celebration is more open-ended. In some families, the girl performs the mitzvah of hafrashat challah, a mitzvah that is specifically associated with women. (Hafrashat challah involves separating a small amount from a sizeable portion of dough, meant to give to kohanim [Jewish priests]. Practically speaking, nowadays, because of issues of ritual impurity, the separated dough is actually burned^[29]. To read more about the mitzvah of Challah and its significance, see here https://aish.com/challah-the-divine-dough and here https://aish.com/48936582/). However, as mentioned previously, there really is no official custom, or one right way to celebrate a Bat Mitzvah.

Still, as mentioned above, if we are to make this occasion meaningful and spiritual, it should certainly be anchored in that kind of vibe, even while ensuring the young lady and her friends can relate to it on their level.

---

Bar vs. Bat Mitzvah: Significance and Celebrations by Rabbi Pinchos Fried

---